Isn’t it about time Major League Baseball changed the name of their final playoff series to determine the champion?  Maybe 20 years ago this really basically was the “world series” but I don’t think you can really say that anymore?  It’s true most the of the best players from around the world do end up coming to the United States to play baseball, from Latin America, Japan, etc.  But it’s a little arrogant I think to just declare whoever wins the MLB championship are the “world champs”, isn’t it?  Would the champs of our baseball beat any other league in the world?…probably, but we don’t KNOW that for sure, right?  That’s the problem with saying “world champs”, you can’t call yourself world champs without actually winning something that is truly “worldly”, can you?  The men’s basketball team at the Olympics…there’s a true world champ…soccer, hockey, even curling for christs sake, you win any of those at the Olympics, I’ll give ya world champ status, but not just winning here.  Basketball does the same thing, which is even a bigger stretch nowadays!  It’s gotten to the point where today’s winner in the NBA calling themselves champions of the world is borderline ridiculous.  How come football, the one sport where I think should be able to get away with “world champ status” doesn’t say the same thing?  They are just the Super Bowl Champs.  The thing is football really should declare themselves world champs, but they don’t because the NFL is far and away the best run league out there…number 2 isn’t even close!

I’m sure most of you out there have heard the radio ads (i assume this is a national thing) for Rosetta Stone(sp?) software that wil assist you in your desire to speak a foreign language.  The commercial goes something like “My friends all laughed at me when I told them I could order in French, but when the waiter came to take our order I just said…Pepe Lepew, Pepe Lepew, zhu mu fa way, za ba da (or something arrogant sounding like that)”.  First of all your friends should not laugh at you if you said you could order in French (okay maybe they should), they should grab you by your shirt collar and beat the shit out of your head.  Then tell you to “grow up”.  Then stop talking and hanging out with you.

I was at my friendly local Wal Mart store not too long ago walking out into the parking lot, this perfectly able lady walked right to her van that was parked in the handicapped spot and got in the car.  She did have the handicap deal hanging from her rear view mirror, but of course I can’t help but wonder how this lady got such a thing?  What does it take to get one of those primetime parking spot passes?  Looking at this lady, obviously not a lot.  Do you just go to some agency and say “my legs just don’t work right”, or “I’ve got this bum knee”, or “I got a boo boo on my foot”?  Whatever it is, I know the holiday shopping season is coming up, parking spots are tough to come by….I think my calf is starting to ache.  The best (worst) part of this story is an elderly lady was walking slowly behind this woman now as she was ready to back out of her stolen parking spot.  The “handicapped” woman driving had her window down and was growing impatient waiting for this old lady to get out of the way, so she yells out “get fucking moving!” at this elderly woman!!  Just a true “wal mart” moment…some capable lady that took this spot from some old lady that needs it more than her, and what does the elderly lady get for her trouble?…a nice ear full of “up yours”.

Later Muhammad Aligator

I hate those new Miller Lite commercials…the ones where Dr. Cox (hold it in…don’t laugh…I love that name) plays the Commissioner of the MTL (More Taste League), you know the ones. But I get particularly pissed off where Dr. Cox is disguised as the bartender then a guy comes into the bar, asks for a Miller Lite, Dr. Cox says “sorry, we’re all out”, and then the guy asks for “well how about any light beer then”…then he’s “busted” by the commish. WTF is that? The dude asks for a Miller Lite and the bar is all out, WTF is he supposed to do?! He does what 99% of us would, asks for a different fricking beer, that’s what! But no, he’s not supposed to I guess, he should just sit and drink a lemonade or maybe just go home, that’s a good idea. Dammit Dr. Cox, quit making those crap commercials!

Toilet paper rolls with “designs” on them are funny things. If you go to the store do you stop and pick out the one that has pretty flowers on it over one that is just plain? If you do, you’re pretty fricking weird. It’s not like that toilet paper is going to make or break your overall bathroom design, is it? I’ve never gone over to somebody’s house and come out of the bathroom and said “Wow, your bathroom is really nice…and I love the way your floral printed toilet paper just makes the room! What a great choice, what kind is that Northern or Charmin?” I mean, I look at toilet paper for about 1/2 second and then I wipe a bunch of shit all over it that hides those precious flowers.

Any, and I mean ANY campaign yard signs annoy the hell out of me. What do these people think that put them up really? Do they think that because they have the sign up that they are actually going to sway ANYONE to vote for their candidate. “Wow, that is a huge McCain sign in that guys yard, I really am a pretty die-hard democrat, dammit I think now after seeing that I almost have to vote for McCain”. All these people are doing is turning each and everyone of us completely off the person they actually want, aren’t they? On my way home from work I’m going to count the number of signs for each candidate, whichever I see less of, that is who I’m voting for. If I get to the voting booth and actually see a candidate whose name I’ve never seen on any sign, that person will at least get 1 vote from me (I guess that means I’m voting for Bob Barr or Ralph Nader). You had better at least first make sure you haven’t pissed off every single neighbor before putting out your sign, or if you have, put up the sign of the the “other guy”.

While on the politics rant I should really discuss another enormous pet peeve, which is the negative advertising. You see, what these political minds in their respective campaign offices are banking on is that you and I are just to damn stupid to realize what they are putting out there is overblown and takes things out of context! Don’t let them do that you (I’m speaking only to the stupid people reading this that don’t get it)! As seen in previous posts, I can’t stand it when advertisers and campaign officials play us like this, the worst part is they are actualy spending money on this crap! Money that could actually go to something (anything) good is really being spent on putting out half-truths and trickery! So you can’t really come up with anything good to say about what it is you’ll actually do if elected…so let’s just go after the other guy. GD stupid! The only ones that don’t want this to end is the TV stations that get to make some easy money airing this garbage. I am all for absolutely banning any and all tv ads for candidates, give them a couple of televised debates and call it good. You can read all about them on about 6 million different websites, but keep their crap ads off our TVs!

That’s all I got…later bitches!

Last week turned into a long one. You know the kind where it’s “hump day” but the only thing getting screwed is you. I hate those weeks. I really don’t have a lot of ‘em, I got a pretty good thing goin’ so I hate to complain – you get me. Sometimes when it’s busy and crazy I do what probably a lot of us do. I hit the TV and look for some cheap entertainment. Lucky for us there is plenty of that.
I stumble across a show on one of those high numbered channels that has tons of goofball programming. TLC or something like that. I think it was TLC. It’s the show where the Korean dude and the chick have like 27 kids. Fine. It killed about 10 minutes for me. It was the one where the kids raise holy hell and then they cut to the parents on the couch as they describe the situation. Yah, that one. I don’t care that they have a baseball team for kids and that they can’t control ‘em. Who could? Just doesn’t do it for me.
Anyways after that show you can stick around and watch one based on the lives of a family of “little people”. Problem is, that’s all they are. I, like most people, get a kick out of midgets. But the mere fact that a family is a combined 7 feet tall isn’t that compelling of a TV show. I mean I get it, you have to jump to flush the toilet and rat terriers look like elk, but after a few minutes it’s all short jokes. Boring.
I hear David Duchovny is a sex addict. Wait, what? There is such a thing? I thought that was an excuse guys used when they got caught hittin’ the nanny. What is this jack ass doing? Isn’t he married to Tea Leoni? And what is sex addiction again? You just like to have a lot of sex…I mean a lot of sex? Isn’t that about 97% of the male species? And the worst part is only rich and/ or hot people get to be sex addicts. Think about it. Ugly people aren’t gonna be able to “get it” unless they have money. What a bitch! So I can’t be a sex addict even if I want to be – damn it and damn you David Duchovny.
I got to admit though, that might be a TLC show I’d spend more than 10 minutes on.

• Let’s clear the decks on some stuff and really get to know each other

   

  • A colleague of mine on this blog asked a while back if anybody has “porn style” sex. Count me as a YES…unfortunately there are no witnesses to verify this.

   

   

  • If you are over the age of 21 and watch Chuck or Heroes you should probably make sure you clean your room, take out the garbage and pay part of your parent’s cable bill.

   

   

  • Where does is “It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia” rank as all time funny TV shows? I got it right in there with Family Guy and Arrested Development. Charlie Day is a god!

   

   

  • Mary Tyler Moore…I’d still hit that.

   

   

  • A friend of mine in high school – not a friend so much as a dork who was entertaining and couldn’t compete with me for the hotter chicks – always said he would do the 14 and the 21 to his girlfriend. Almost 20 years later and I have no idea what the hell that is…help anyone?

   

   

  • Kim Kardashian got “booted” off Dancing with the Stars…great now she can back to what she does best. Modeling her ass and making sex tapes with 4^th rate rappers. Her loss is our win!

   

   

  • I read quite a bit: Elmore Leonard, Carl Hiassan, Robert B. Parker, Vince Flynn, Tim Dorsey, Walter Mosely, T.Jefferson Parker, Harlan Coben…anybody recommend anything?

   

   

  • Good thing we have cancer beat and a cure for MS is right around the corner so science can work on stuff like this: (I wonder if they even have to do the “stranger”)

   

  http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-1032700/Octopuses-given-Rubiks-Cubes-favourite-tentacle.html#

 

 

• How cool is Pink? Madonna couldn’t touch her…of course that’d be the only thing not to have touched Madonna – what a no talent whore she was!

 

 

• Does anybody watch those Sex in the City re-runs. Goddammit they take up a lot of TV bandwidth, Christ put Hogan’s Family or Mork and Mindy back on! That hose bag character (I know aren’t they all?), but the really old chick, no not the dyke red head, the really old chick, she scares me more than leaving my kids with the bald, cross-eyed , glasses wearing 47 year old single guy.

 

 

• Hey Erik Estrada – let’s get you back on the small screen and back into America’s hearts!

 

 

• Have you been following the Ryan O’Neal saga:

 

• http://www.boston.com/ae/celebrity/articles/2008/09/18/ryan_oneal_in_drug_arrest/ Dude is a 67 year old meth-head…fantastic. What the hell? I’ve been with Farrah Fawcett, made a few million dollars, was a big movie star (30 years ago, but so what) and now for my last act I’ll check out meth and drag my son into it! God love these Hollyweirds – That’s why I respect their wise opinions so much when they preach to me about society during one of their 200 award shows! 

   

  Keep on rockin’ in the free world!

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

So the election is just about here. One debate left and a few weeks of unwatchable commercials and we can put this bad boy behind us. No matter how it turns out, I’m sure we can all agree it can’t come too soon.
I watched the debate last night. I don’t know why. They both exaggerate and distort the other’s record and promise a bunch of stuff they can’t deliver. What’s new right? But there are a few things that stick with me. I think they are pretty important things, even though I get the feeling I am in the vast minority.
One candidate is a popular senator who comes off as cool, calm and collected. He looks like a president. He acts like a president. He is young and talks about change. And you know what this country really needs change! No doubt about it. I can probably live with his politics and I have no idea if his “plan adds up”, mostly I think, because nobody knows if anybody’s plan “adds up”. He says most of the right things and inspires a little bit of confidence and “hope”. Oh, and he‘s friends (not an over statement!!! As he would have you believe) with a guy who bombed the NY City police department and the pentagon.
This senator’s friend, William Ayers, also said on 9/11/01 (actual date) that his only regret was that he didn’t bomb more buildings and kill more parents. What does William Ayers do now you might ask? He is a professor (of course he is) of education at Chicago University and is an education consultant to the Mayor (Daley) of Chicago. His education model that he consults on is based from Hugo Chavez (the South American socialist dictator who hates America) and he describes it as the perfect educational system to “foment a revolution”. Yup, that’s what I want my kid to learn. What is an otherwise “decent” presidential candidate doing with this guy?
So this popular senator who is friends (again, NOT an overstatement…please check this out!) with a terrorist turned socialist revolutionary is almost assuredly going to be our next president. Who is he gonna beat? Must be a real loser, a horrible candidate right? I mean if we are going to vote for a guy who got his political start from, and has remained friends with, a member of the Weather Underground, a guy who bombed American buildings and told kids to kill their parents, a guy who is now a follower of Hugo Chavez, well just who in the hell is this other candidate?
Here’s where the story gets really weird. Turns out the other candidate is a war hero. An American patriot. A 5 year POW who had a chance to go home, but chose - that’s right, chose – to stay until the rest of his fellow American POW’s were also released. A man who came back from war and became, oddly enough, a popular senator.
Crazy election. I do know that we get the government that we deserve. We deserve this, huh.

When the hell did our schools stop teaching economics? And as near as I can tell it was replaced with a class that must be called “emotional retardism” or something close to that. This bit of information comes to you, folks, with no political slant at all. I don’t care if you are a Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent or whatever, the following is true regardless.

In case you missed it America is in a bit of a financial bind. So much so that Warren Buffet, the oracle of Omaha, has called this our “financial Pearl Harbor”. What is this bind? It has been broken down into two words that perfectly describe it – credit crunch.
So after fooling around with it for 10 days and loading it with more pork than a Wisconsin prom, Congress passed a $700 BILLION “bail out plan”. And ever since I’ve had to read editorial columns about how stupid Main Street America is to bail out Wall Street. The TV and radio is full of commentators saying this is just the rich getting richer at the expense of “Joe Six-pack”. Hell, a local writer for my small town newspaper even suggested this is some sort of scam against baby-boomers – why it would be a scam against just baby boomers and not any other generation he doesn’t say. My guess is because he can’t.

Listen everybody and settle down. Study your American history, I mean really study it and you’ll find America became great, super-power top-dog great, for 3 reasons; the Constitution, the interstate highway system and the best banking system in the world. That’s it. Boil it down and it would be hard to argue against this. Yet, all these smart people are too busy trying to make headlines and spout stupid, unpractical yet popular garbage about “bail outs” and “scams”. Well think about it…

If Congress doesn’t pass a bill – by the way it may not work in practical terms, but it will stabalize confidence which is more important – the banking system as we know it is gone! GONE! You want a car, show me 20% down and flawless credit. You want a student loan – no dice, can’t afford to lend to high risk young adults. You want a home, good lord isn’t that how this started? Bring us 20% down and flawless credit. You get the idea.

So the average Joe Six-pack won’t be able to get credit, think what that means to our economy. You want to see a huge drop in our standard of living and jobless rates in double digits? Didn’t think so. You want to see your 401(k) and other investments beat down 60% - 80%, didn’t think so. Hell, over 50% of Americans – there must be some average folks in that number – own stock in some form.

Truth is this “bailout” bill is anything but. This is a much needed investment in America and our standard of living, and will benefit the average American in percentage terms MORE than a “rich” person. To complain about the greed and incompentence that makes it necessary misses the point. It’s like not taking a lifeboat on the Titanic because you’re pissed off the captain hit the iceberg . Make sure it doesn’t happen again, but stop whining about it and fix it!

While I’m on the political, can somebody answer a few questions for me. I see a TV commercial that states polar bears are dying and will be extinct in 20 – 100 years (nice range they give). They need me to send $16 a month to help save them from global warming. Well, how does my $ stop global warming? And if $16 is a good start why not throw $20 at it and really cool off this son of a bitch planet.

Funny, I saw this commercial while watching a History Channel special on the Ice Age and the Baby Ice Age ( approx. 1500 AD – 1860 AD). Then I started wondering how much did the cavemen have to pay to stop their Ice Age? What would that have been a couple of squirrel pelts and a rock? I mean since climate change is so obviously brought on by man…it is right? I mean that is 100% correct…right? Then how did those guys several thousands of years ago get the climate to change? What did those irresponsible bastards of the 1400’s due to make it happen again? I know their cars and factories probably weren’t as “clean” as today…wait a second, they didn’t have cars and factories.

Whoa, hold on a second…suddenly everything is fuzzy. The cavemen didn’t have cars and factories either (right?) Yet the earth warmed and cooled and warmed and cooled and warmed? Huh, you talk about a $700 BILLION SCAM.

So I was watching the television the other night, you know just surfing through the channels, hoping to find a poker game or a Family Guy I haven’t seen and it hit me. What TV really needs is another CSI and another Law and Order. I’m going to share with you my vision and sure key to fame and fortune, please do not attempt to steal these ideas – I’m already in serious negotiations with a big time cable channel that I can’t name (hint: it rhymes with bloxygen). Any feedback (positive only) would be appreciated.
CSI: MINOT
In the pilot (that’s the “inside Hollywood” term for the original episode – don’t feel bad you didn’t know that) Chief Investigator Hank Evinrude uses high-tech science and his good old fashioned horse sense to find out who has been raping Elmer Johnson’s chickens. Meanwhile across town, Deputy Investigator Judy Jensen checks out the deli at the local Red Owl because 13 people got sick at the Christ Lutheran potluck last Sunday and all fingers point to the meat and cheese tray Ada Peterson brought…but why?
Guest appearance by Andy Dick as the main suspect in the chicken raping case.

Law & Order: Very Special Victims Unit
Each week officers Jeffrey and Rasmussen work the mean streets of Baraboo Wisconsin. While solving your various Wisconsin style crimes, like: severe underage drinking, idiocy, turning Vietnamese men into zombie sex slaves, using bratwurst on house pets. However, the “Special Victims” killer eludes them from episode to episode. He is leaving a trail of victims that have one thing in common – they’re “special”, either they’re Canadians, midgets or transsexuals – usually they’re all three.
Todd Bridges stars as Officer Jeffrey and Tony Danza (in the dramatic role of his stellar career) stars as Officer Rasmussen.
Check your local listings!

“I Love Somebody With Autism”. That’s the bumper sticker I read on the back of a red, early 2000’s Chrysler mini-van on the way home from work. OK. So. What the hell does that mean? Are we supposed to hate somebody with Autism? Am I supposed to congratulate her (and you’re damn right it’s a “her” that put up the sticker) for not kicking the hell out of autistic people? And might this be a little embarrassing for the autistic person. I mean odds are this gal only knows 1 autistic person – and now he or she is being promoted on a bumper sticker. My wife doesn’t drive around with an “I Love Somebody Who Is Short, Overweight and Blogs” bumper sticker, not because she doesn’t love me, but because I think it might be a little obvious to everyone else who she is describing on the bumper sticker. Does the autistic kid have a bumper sticker that reads “Some, Self –Important Look At How Compassionate I Am, Moron Loves Me”? I hope so.
Bumper stickers are stupid anyway. I don’t care: who you vote for, how much better Chevy is than Ford, how much better Ford is than Chevy, what your stance is on guns and how you’re going to use them on me, if your boss is a Jewish carpenter, if you can’t find Wall Drug or if somebody isn’t seeing motorcycles. Your opinion probably just doesn’t matter to me or any other driver you are boring today, so knock it off and grow up!

This message brought to you by a “Parent of an Honor Student”

Ok, I’ve had about 10 hours to digest what happened to my beloved Twins last night and feel ready to discuss with all of you out there. I would’ve rather lost to any team in our division besides the White Sox, but that’s the way it goes. What this game down to was a few things, but the biggest was our loss of the coin flip for home field, I’m not whining about it, but even White Sox fans know the Twins win that game if it’s in the dome, no question. The second biggest problem I had with last night’s game was the play of our two “superstars” Mauer and Morneau…those guys were just plain awful. Our “other” players needed a jumpstart, somebody to get something going and those two just couldn’t deliver. I am not like many Minnesota fans who pine at every Joe Mauer move and quote. Mauer is a great hitter don’t get me wrong and extremely valuable in our lineup and behind the plate…but clutch he is not. I’m trying to remember the last time that guy came up with a chance to really do something and then acutally…did something?? Last night’s bunt attempt was the biggest joke I’ve ever seen! The guy is a batting champ, double-deliverer, alley shot kind of guy and he tries to bunt!!?? What the hell was that? I’m sure he’ll say he was trying to “make something happen”, but come on! That was ridiculous, you don’t get many cracks at the plate in a game like that and you had better make them count when you get a chance! Morneau was no better. I haven’t witnessed a guy’s swing completely abandon him like his did over the last couple of weeks, he looked like he had no clue up at the plate. As for the other pirahnas…they did what they do, follow Mauer and Morneau right down the tube.
I’m not all that broken up about it however, the Twins had a good year (and an unexpected good year) and have the guns to make an even better run next year…not sure the White Sox can say the same as their team will just get even older. But there are a couple of guys on the Sox that I really do like. If Gardy ever decides to call it quits, I truly hope we go after Ozzie as our manager…I absolutely love that guy! Nobody tells it like it is like Ozzie does, even if it is in the most broken up English I’ve ever heard…you still get the point. Another guy I love on the Sox is AJ Pierzynski, I know most of you out there can’t stand the guy, but I absolutely love him! I wish there would’ve been a way to keep AJ along with Mauer, or hell, just keep AJ and not have Mauer, whatever. He’s the toughest all-out winner in baseball and we could’ve used a guy like that this year (and every year). Btw, I saw last night that he only played on the Twins for 3 years….seemed longer than that.
I do think the Sox have a better chance to make a run in the playoffs then the Twins would’ve had, I would’ve given us about a 33% chance of beating the Rays and about a 0% chance of beating the Red Sox or Angels. The White Sox could make it interesting for those teams I think just with their ability to hit it out of the park…we’ll see. I hope for nothing but the worst for the White Sox.
The worst part is we have to wait 6 months (until Twins spring training) now to watch any kind of team that can compete in their given sport…the Vikes, T-Wolves, and Wild…one of those teams MIGHT be able to avoid the cellar of their division this year but I’ll be damned if I can figure out which one??
Ok, sincere apologies to any readers I have out there that could care less about this topic, next post will be back to the sex, life, celebrities, and general rants that are more fun to write and (hopefully) more fun to read!!
Y’all have a great day! But seriously wouldn’t you trade Mauer for AJ straight up?? I need to cool down…

I’m back. Sorry gang I took a brief and unapproved leave of absence, but have no fear Truth’s fraternal twin brother is here. My supervising editor thought I better lay low for a while, the heat he was getting from Canada was just too terrific. Wow there’s three words you don’t put together in a sentence very often; heat, Canada, terrific. But in true American fashion I will not be silenced. In other words you’re still gonna get your‘s, Canada.
Meanwhile I’d like to share with all y’all some things that have been going through my head. That’s right, for one night only, I’m gonna let you go behind the curtain and really get an idea of what makes me tick. Please save your pathetic little idiotic judgments for yourself and the 96 cats that are destroying your living room right now. Well, unless you are “pickin’ up what I’m layin’ down”, then congratulations you are a genius. So buckle up it’s a bumpy ride in here.
Pudding is goddamn superior to jell-o that it makes me furious they even have them together in the grocery store. Jell-o you suck, and should only be used as an emergency replacement sex jelly – even then it better be lime.
The “east side” of any country, state, city, town or village is always the bad side.
Megan Fox really is that hot.
Dane Cook isn’t funny. I mean he is just not funny. Oh, he’s got the ripped jeans and the messy “I’m cool cuz my hair is messy” hair, but Schindler’s List is funnier than this jagoff. Dane Cook’s “Tourgasm” – good one! More like “Dane Cook should give me my f**king money back because this is garbageasm”.
I hate and deplore racial profiling – it’s insulting and degrading what is happening at our airports! My idea would be if the authorities could narrow it down to a specific gender, race, age and religion of a suspect that would cover ALL acts of aviation terrorism over the past 30 years, then maybe I’d buy into it. But since that’s ridiculous and impossible and…What? Oh, they can do that? Well then why are they searching my bags and your grandma’s ass? Only in America.
Girls quit telling other girls they don’t have to give BJ’s after they’re married. First, it’s painfully obvious to us men that you girls have some conspiracy going – you are making a mistake by going public. Second, girls, you want the lawn mowed or the basement painted? Well come across a little more and see if that just doesn’t provide the proper motivation (have you ladies learned nothing from Anna Nicole “500 million $” Smith). Third, us guys are gonna start telling the unmarried guys that they can stop pretending to give a damn about your work day and how rough this month’s period is. Fair is fair.
Jamie Kennedy shouldn’t be allowed to pump gas. How is this retard – meant in the most derogatory way possible and not as a measure of someone’s incapacity – get into show business. I have a friend (we all do right?) who is 150 times funnier and a fairly good looking who is a tremendous entertainer and the best he can get is the prime time slot at Saturday Night Karaoke. (My god he does a good Luther Campbell!)
I see VH1 is coming out with a tribute to NWA “The world’s most dangerous band”. How many things are wrong with that? 5 guys who rap, rap only, are now called a band? What about, I don’t know…bands? What are they called? And “dangerous”, NWA? I suppose if a sucka done steal’d their crack at the exact second of the day they weren’t high on their crack, maybe. Who has that kind of timing – light isn’t that fast?
I like every Coen brother’s movie.
Megan Fox really is that hot.
There you have it, that’s what ran through my head over the last few minutes. Hope you enjoyed it as much as I did. In fact, I’m gonna go get myself about 3 more minutes of “me time” to really think about that last one.